Wednesday, May 19, 2010

From the Diary of Maria

December 12,
I love roller derby.

I so glad that I got over my inhibitions and joined the Oak Cliff Rolling Razors. I had been on the sidelines for years as my closest frien, Paulina, had become a star player. She looked so beautiful and so tough as she sped along the track.

Boys thought she was hot and women wanted to be her. She was like a real life superhero. Like Wonder Woman.

I took to it naturally, both a good Jammer and a good Blocker. Meaning I could make those bitches eat my dust, and I could stop them from getting a point.

This allowed our team to play more with strategy, and lo and behold we are winning.

But unfortunately at 225 lbs. no boys want me, and no girls want to be me. I look more like a fat ugly super villain than I do a beautiful super hero like Wonder Woman.

December 14,

Apparently just trying to diet based on what I know about nutrition is not working.

You would think, since I am almost done with nursing school, that I would have this shit together.

I do not.

I try to order the veggie burger, but when I do I get more fries an hour or so later, and dessert.

I try to choose a salad, but in case you haven't noticed, the salads usually don't have the little diet symbol on the restaurant menu. No deep fried, caramelized, lathered with cheese salads are very very fattening.

Picked up a flyer today at Cafe Brazil, it said "Counter Culture Meditation Diet" what a weird fucking thing to put on a flyer. What do they do? Drop acid and learn about annorexia. So strange.

The guy who runs it claims to be a Ph.D. I bet he got his Ph.D. on e-bay, what a douchebag.

He did have the goth boy pretty good looks. His before picture was disgustingly fat.

Way worse than me.

Way, way worse than me.

He looked like Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails crossed with Antonio Banderas. Very nice. And not doubt, a worthless money grubbing piece of shit.

December 17

I am having some kind of fucking break down.

I can't stop eating.

Its like the more I see the beautiful girls from the Roller Razors, the more I feel trapped inside myself, the more I eat. I am eating like the murder victim on 7. Oh, God.

I don't know what to do.

I am hiding in my car and eating, so no one ever sees me eat. But I am eating more than ever.

I tried throwing up. I figure if I can just go bulimic this will be alright. But it hurts to throw up. It hurts more than getting fucking socked by enemy roller girls. I can't do it. I wish I could just throw up.

I have to do something. Or I am going to kill myself.

December 20,

Found a new flyer. The so called goth doctor says he will do it for free if people qualify. He says he is doing it as a scientific study.

I am a nurse after all. If he's full of shit I will know.

I can always leave.

December 23

Dr. Chronos is Amazing.

He just says things that make me know that I can take control. I have only been practicing his meditation diet for a couple of days. Its definitely a legit scientific study. He has a lab, its fully staffed, it seems all of the subjects are women. This is not so unusual many medical studies control for gender at first.

He gave me an injection. Smiling his beautiful smile, "You never know, it could be the placebo."

Since I told him I was a nurse he has been very open with me about the study. He says he has discovered some RNA based fat burning tool. He says it interacts with the neurotransmitter BDNF, which makes nerves grow, burn fat on targeted spots.

Thats the best part of the whole thing. He teaches you how to target the locations for weight loss.

There are a few tricks to it.

He tells you you have to breathe like a metrognome, be very conscious of the passage of time by focusing your awareness on the breath. Its almost impossible, except for when he is around.

Oh my god, he is so amazing.

And the best news is I have already lost 20 lbs.

I am not kidding at all 20lbs . In two days.

He tells us we have to capture thoughts as if they were butterflies, to catch them in the palm of our hand, then he has us do some tai-chi pantomime that mocked catching a bug with your hand.

I know I do not have the placebo, who had ever heard of losing 20 lbs in two days.

The strangest thing is I can feel the drug. And with the meditation techniques I can really control it.

I am a little afraid because it really is like your talking to your body, and making wishes about how it should look, and your body starts to do things against its nature to make your wish come true. I hope this isn't dangerous.

But it is 20 lbs. in two days.

Dr. Chronos has FDA approval for human trials. I asked to see the paperwork.

Those are difficult to get, and I know what they look like.

December 25,

I am with Dr. Chronos now, he is sitting behind me, holding me, watching me write this.

I am afraid. He knows I am afraid.

He does not care.

There is a strange lesion forming on my forehead. I don't know what it is. I know its a side effect of the drug. I am its first success story. At least thats what Chronos tells me.

He says that he loves me. Against all better judgement, I love him. I really love him. Catholic love of husband and wife, like the kind I learned at my mother's knee. He is my husband, but I fear that I will be but one of many wives.

He holds me close, he says that he gives himself to me. That others may get a taste, but I am the one who truly possesses him. This makes me feel great warmth. A warmth which I know is the drug, and I can feel it spiraling towards the lesion.

The thing about the drug though is that I truly believe I see reality with it, and I was like a blind slug on the afterbirth without it.
I can hear my cells. They do nothing without my permission.

Chronos and I are surrounded by textbooks. He says that as my consciousness learns what to look for my unconscious physiology will begin to connect more specificially.

Even after two years of nursing school, there are more marvels in the body than you can imagine.

Ask me my weight, I wish I had more than just paper to ask that.

I am now 135 lbs. My exact goal weight. I am as beautiful as I had hoped.

I know because I can sense Dr. Chronos's hormonal changes with what he tells me is my vomeronasal organ. This is one of those strange body parts I have had to learn in order to take advantage of my new inner sight. The vomeronasal organ has been debated for years in science, whether or not it still exists in humans. It is our pheromonal perception organ, it allows me to taste the desire of men. On the inside of my upper lip.

Chronos has great desire for me. Superhuman desire.

I guess we are both superhuman.

I guess I am Wonderwoman after all.

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