Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Great and Holy Meditation Diet

* From the diary of Dr. Chronos, the scourge of Lubbock

My story begins encapsulated in failure, grief, and distress. 

When I realized what had to be done was months after loved had failed me. Like it had so many times before. The details don't matter the outcome is always the same. You are found after much trial and error to be disappointing. In the end any empathy you have for the other person is met with an impenetrable wall where once there was purest asylum and bliss. 

Love and its loss is like watching everything you love turn to stone. You become Medusa and are prisoner to her curse. 

When this happens to me, I have always tended to fall apart at the seams. 

I become weak and degenerate and I eat like some kind of goblin under the bed. In greatest distress and in utter solitude I pursued food, buffet's, fast food, Chinese takeout. Nothing glorious, nothing gourmet, only gluttony. 

The terrible gluttony eventually makes me lethargic and incapable of pushing myself. To say I wallowed like a pig in filth would be to dishonor pigs by the comparison. I was an obese melancholy pile of weakness trapped in a prison of his own softness. This is how my story began those few years ago. The story of how I became the great and terrible force I am now. 

My thoughts hit like hail constantly reminding me of how disconnected I was from everyone. My family far and gone from me, abandoning me to a strange world. No woman could comfort me, or understand me. I would always be embraced under false pretenses and rejected when the truth was found out. The only thing that made the pain stop was to feed the relentless craving for food. 

One day as I walked in vein trying to exercise away the disgusting excess it dawned on me. 

I was inside an egg. 

A huge disgusting fleshy egg. The egg was cushioning with many layers of gross fat tissue, swollen yellowish fat cells, overwhelmed with the indulgences of modernity. Deep inside this gelatinous hell lived a creature in metamorphosis. 

This creature was not Kafka's insect to end in the grips of tragedy, no this was a creature born of lightning. This creature was a messiah, an antichrist, a fire breather, a buddha, a glorious mage, a masterful alchemist, a hero, a villain, an alpha and an omega. 

This one realization shattered my mind. 

I did not eat for 3 days. 

In those 3 days the first was the worst. The dreams of all of my vices engulfed my mind like water engulfs a drowning man.  The flavors of all manner of breading, deep friend meats, overwhelmed my mouth, that day I must have recycled my fluids twice over in pure salivation. It was as if one of my humors was against me. The fantasies and cravings never ceased but I could not act on them. I could do nothing but walk and watch my thoughts. 

These thoughts were there for my benefit, yet they had somehow escaped my control. 

The whole thing overwhelmed me. I must have felt like ancient homonids as they first observed fire. 

The fire was before them, and for them, but they were at the beginning of a long journey of control. Now we have harnessed the power of fire to the point we can harmonize with the sun in the act of nuclear fusion. 

This is how I was before my thoughts. 

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